Say it with your entire being

So so dependent on medicine/drugs as of late. If I have a headache, I have painkillers in my bag. If I have the sniffles, even the slightest one, I have another set of pills. And if my lips crack so bad I can barely open my mouth, I have a huge tub of Vaseline, cause god knows why 3 fucking tubes of lip balms have failed on me. And ever since my face allergy, I have a new set of medicine that I have to carry around just in case my face doesn't wither under the sun. Since when did it feel exhausting to be human!!!

She's confident

I might be biased (cause obviously I am still a fan...), but his dance moves are so sleek and cool. My ovaries are screaming!!!! For all his misdemeanors, all I gotta say is He doesn't choose the thug life, but... Well you all can finish that sentence ;) 

You know what sucks? Everything.

I have very conflicting feelings about what people has to say about me. Lately, that is what people has been doing.. talking about me. It's ironic because I have like what, <5 people that are constant in my life right now, but it seems like there's a lot of people who has a lot of crap to say. I say conflicting because my first reaction to knowing, is anger. Like who the fuck are you to talk about me? Then when I calmed down, and put my fucking brain (instead of my heart) in motion.. I started thinking. Are they trying to tell me something, am i really a bad person. Maybe it's good that I don't have that many people in my life as before, I wouldn't do any harm to them. People say that it's part of growing up, losing people, seeing their true colors.. but what they don't tell me is that the feeling suck. It's like in life you expect some things to happen (just cause), but they don't fucking tell you how to deal with the grief, hurt, betrayal or the letdowns.

I really don't know how i went from seeing the best in every single person, loving every single person, to feeling like this. But all i gotta say is, I should have known that I cannot trust anyone.

Ratchet

I wish some people can just swallow their pride. They need to realize that it's not poison.

2013 >> 2014

What I want to remember of 2013

1. Bangkok with Hairil in June
2. Starting shift in February, the whole experience is bittersweet. Sweet because it helps to get me off living by the streets, bitter because I know this will forever be my life I sold my soul to Shell.
3. February. (I think I lost a part of myself, I was literally starving myself, I might have fall into depression..) It was horrid, but it made me realise through and through that I want to be with Hairil.
4. The xx ... I was awed, they were brilliant I wouldn't forget the feeling.
5. Fall Out Boy @ Fort Canning. Sarah came back from UK the same week.
6. Big Bang for the second time in less than a year.
7. My 23rd birthday. 
8. Hairil's 26th birthday.
9. My one year anniversary with Hairil, it was never what I imagined. The night went so ugly.. the whole week in fact, I saw myself losing part of myself that I tried fixing since February. As much as I want to remember highs in 2013, I want to remember the hurt too.
10. Seeing my mother less than 5 times last year, it's little but baby steps.
11. The X Factor US
12. Hairil's family opened up to me being his girlfriend, and till today I will forever ever and ever be grateful. You'll understand the warmth when you get to eat home-cooked meals after being "on your own" for almost 2 years now.
13. The people who stayed

I have to be a better person, I just have to. Happy new years, kids. In with the good, out with the toxic.

Flicking through the pages

I am obsessed with Alex and Sierra, I think I've watched all their interviews at least twice each.. and still laughs at all the funny parts. My shaky explanation to this obsession might be my teeny weeny niggling desire to have what they have in their relationship; being each other best friends.

Halfway drafting 13 Lessons I Learnt in 2013, and I'm stuck on 8th.. (shameless proclamation of a) Writer's block..? hmmm maybe.. or maybe 2013 can be summed up in less than 10 points. I'll get back to that.

Happy weekends guys.

My boy, he ain't the one that I saw coming

One of those days that Hairil did something unexpected. I cannot recall when exactly my life turned so sour that home-cooked meals are now a privilege.. He came all the way to find me before my night shift to pass me a surprise. He had packed dinner for me from his house to bring to work. I know it's nothing much/fancy to most of you reading, but it meant a lot to me. I was gutted with happiness/sadness (I cannot decide which haha), I cried and could barely say Thank You through sobs. I am such a crybaby and a drama queen and a brat, I don't know how Hairil handles me on my bad days. And because of that, if I could, I would give you my heart. There's really not enough words to express my love for you, and I'm super super super grateful that you choose to love me, in spite of my flaws, my weaknesses and my ugly.